Friendships are an important aspect of your life, but it’s difficult to foster deep and emotional friendships. Start building more trust with your pals by showing them vulnerability, having deep conversations, and becoming more comfortable with one another.

Friendships in the 21st Century

It’s hard to make friends. Most people start to notice a decline in their social circles in their mid-twenties, after college. You can make friends from dating apps, yoga classes, work, your apartment building, or at the bar, but these often turn into acquaintances. How do you form deeper friendships with these people?

Men seem to have an even harder time creating meaningful friendships. Women tend to be more willing to open up and connect, while men have social pressure to conceal their emotions. An article published in June 2023 reveals that many men want to foster friendships as women do. The Men’s Table charity hosts monthly meetings at hundreds of pubs and restaurants to discuss the ups and downs of life — including marriage, family life, illness, grief, work, and other major life events.

Perhaps you feel like you have a good amount of friends but nobody you’re particularly close with. Your friendships are what you make them. If you feel unfulfilled by your friendships and wish there was more to them, then make more! If there’s an acquaintance you want to build a deeper connection with, try some of these tips to start a deeper bond.

Share Your Hobbies

Having shared experiences with people in your life is important to feel connected to them. Try out each other’s hobbies to grow closer.

Be the first one to initiate, such as:

• Ask your friend to start a mini book club together. Ask what they’re reading now or plan to read next, so you can read it at the same time and discuss it. You can also actually join a local book club together!
• Invite your friend to try rock climbing, pole dancing, or a pottery class together.
• Ask your friend to come over and bake cookies or brownies with you.
• Tell your friend about the new skateboard trick you learned, and offer to teach them some beginner moves.

Ask for Advice

People love to feel needed by those they care about. By asking for simple advice from a friend, you show that you trust them and respect their views.

Ask for advice on something relevant to your life, or try some of these:

• Send them a photo of two different tops you’re considering for a date, and ask which they like better on you.
• Ask them to recommend a new playlist or artist to freshen up your music rotation.
• Ask them to take a look at your resume and give you honest feedback.
• Tell them about the stress you’re experiencing from work, and ask how they manage their stress or anxiety.

Be Vulnerable

According to friendship expert and psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D., “One popular misconception is that vulnerability burdens others. Instead, research finds that others judge us less for our vulnerability than we assume, and in fact, our vulnerability makes others view us positively, as more authentic and honest.”

By opening a door of vulnerability with your friend, you grow more emotionally connected. The best friends know you at your best and worst, so introduce your vulnerable and emotional side so they can get to know you on other levels.

Dip your toe into vulnerability with these tips:

• Ask if they can listen to you vent about an argument you had with your mother, sister, or other relative.
• Share with them a pattern you’ve noticed in yourself that you’re trying to resolve — such as jealousy in a relationship or craving for outside praise.
• Tell them about the new vibrator you got and how amazing it feels. Talking about sex and self-pleasure with friends is fun and creates a platonic sense of intimacy.
• Open up about something that’s making you feel insecure lately. Perhaps you’re worried the guy you’re dating doesn’t feel the same way, you’re unhappy with your position at work, or you’re feeling ashamed of the weight you gained.

Listen

It seems obvious that you should listen to your friends, but it’s not as simple as you think. Sure, you listen when they talk or you read their whole message before replying. Rather than thinking of your next reply, make sure you focus on understanding what they’re saying.

Don’t wait for them to share details; ask about parts of their life, such as:

• Rather than asking the classic “How are you?” or “How was your day?”, ask them what the highlight of their day was or their top three moments so far this week.
• Follow up on important parts of their life. Ask how their sick aunt is doing, if their date went well last night, or if they’re enjoying their new job. Asking questions shows your friend you’re genuinely interested and allows them to share the information they want.
• Ask deep or meaningful questions. Bring along a conversation game next time you have a wine night to foster deep discussions. What are their life dreams? What does their ideal family dynamic look like? What do they do in their alone time?

Initiate

Perhaps the best way to form friendships and show you’re interested in bonding is by initiating plans and conversations with friends. Do you ever stare at your phone and wonder why nobody asks you how your day is going or what your plans are for the weekend? Maybe they’re staring at their phone, waiting for you, too!

There’s no shame in being the one to initiate — in fact, that friend is usually well appreciated.

Reach out first with these tips:

• Send the first text, or make a phone call to your friend to catch up or check-in.
• Initiate a conversation with the girl you say hi to at the gym every morning.
• If you’re meeting with a group of people, invite another friend along to introduce them to the gang. Having more mutual friends helps to bring you closer.

Be the Friend You Want

There are countless ways to grow closer to people in your life. It’s most important to show up as your authentic self, showing your true thoughts and being supportive of your friends. Always try to give more than you take, and always prioritize honesty. Even if you’re canceling Friday night dinner, tell them it’s because you’re too lazy to get your butt off the couch and go rather than an elaborate tale. Hey, maybe they’ll be down to join you for Netflix and takeout!

Published on Cupid’s Light July 21, 2023