Key Points

• Yelling is a common but unhealthy way people attempt to communicate.
• Yelling at a spouse or partner incredibly damages the relationship and the individual.
• Become aware of the effects of yelling at your spouse and stop communicating violently.
• Understand why you or your spouse yell in arguments to solve the root issue and implement healthier communication tactics.
• Do some damage control to reconcile the negative effects of yelling at your spouse and rekindle the trust in your relationship.

Every relationship has its ups and downs; sometimes, the downs are loud and angry. Consider the effects of yelling at your spouse and learn to stop this argument escalation. Even though it’s common, yelling is never an effective form of communication. It usually results from misunderstanding, and increased volume certainly doesn’t make someone understand a point more. Yelling at someone, especially a partner, has long-term consequences on the individual and the relationship.

Imagine this scenario: you’re sitting at home, trying to relax by reading a book, but your mind keeps drifting back to that fight you had with your spouse earlier in the day. Your heart races as you recall the hurtful things they said and how their voice rose in anger. Maybe you’re wondering if you’re overreacting or if this is just how relationships are. Whatever the case, one thing is clear: the yelling in your relationship is causing you pain and frustration. The effects of yelling at your spouse last longer than the fight itself.

Stop violently communicating in your relationship. Learn why you communicate in this way to fix the deeper issue. Then, adopt new communication techniques to restrengthen your relationship.

Communication Is Key

Communication is the exchange of information and thoughts between individuals, which is vital to all relationships. It allows partners to understand each other and express their emotions. Communication is for simple topics, such as what you ate for lunch, down to deep topics, such as childhood trauma. Effective techniques are necessary for all aspects of communication — even if you are just telling a funny story.

Communication skills are necessary to work through conflicts together. When partners have effective communication, they’re able to identify and work through issues together. This prevents minor issues from escalating into more significant problems.

Healthy communication allows someone to express their feelings effectively. This is necessary to build trust and intimacy in a relationship.

When there’s healthy communication in a relationship, both partners feel safe and heard. They’re able to express how they feel and share vulnerabilities. Both partners listen to one another and understand how the other feels.

Good communication requires active listening, respect, and willingness to open up. Work with your partner to address issues and build trust through healthy communication.

Common Downfalls

Although communication is a critical element of relationships, it’s also a common cause of relationship problems. Many couples struggle to communicate effectively, leading to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Improving communication requires both partners to be willing to work together. Be open and honest about your needs and expectations for the relationship. Learn how to express your thoughts and emotions effectively. Work on actively listening to understand your partner and make them feel heard.

Promptly addressing communication issues prevents conflicts from escalating and builds stronger relationships.

If you struggle with communication, work with your partner to improve your skills and understanding. Seek help from online sources or sessions with a therapist for the most effective techniques.

Yelling

A common feature of unhealthy communication is yelling. Yelling is speaking loudly or in a forceful tone. Someone yelling raises their voice and adopts a tone of aggression or confrontation.

Feelings of anger and frustration are classic reasons someone resorts to yelling. Individuals often yell to force their message when they feel unheard. Sometimes people yell to intimidate a partner.

Yelling is a side effect of poor communication skills. If someone doesn’t know how else to express themselves, they yell. This is typically a learned behavior from childhood or a past relationship.

There are plenty of reasons someone yells. Regardless, it’s harmful to relationships and a poor way to communicate.

Yelling in Relationships

Yelling in any capacity is damaging to relationships. It quickly increases the aggression of a disagreement and instills fear.

Trust breaks down when partners yell at each other. You feel unheard and disrespected, and it creates an unsafe environment to express yourself.

When turmoil turns to yelling, the argument often escalates further from here. Most people react to yelling by yelling back, quickly increasing tension. As both parties feel increasingly angry, further acts of aggression or violence are possible.

If you or your partner yell at each other, it’s time to stop. Consider the damage you’re causing to each other and the relationship. Work on fixing your communication, or consider ending the relationship if it’s gone too far.

How Much Is Too Much?

How much yelling is too much in a relationship? If you ask yourself this question, there’s likely too much yelling in your relationship already. The amount of yelling you’re willing to tolerate is up to your own discretion and boundaries.

There’s no golden rule about yelling to determine the fate of a relationship. This depends solely on your own interpretation. However, if you and your partner yell at each other every time you have a confrontation, it’s too much.

Frequent yelling at one another is an obvious sign of a deeper issue in the relationship. Seek professional help to reconcile the relationship and dig into the root cause.

Is It Abusive?

Yelling is often a form of emotional abuse. When one partner constantly yells at the other, it creates a toxic and unsafe environment.

Sometimes yelling is a precursor to physical abuse. Someone angry enough to yell may lose control of their emotions even further.

If your partner yells to intimidate or demean you, this is abusive. Yelling to control or intimidate someone is abusive. Name-calling and threats are abusive. Sometimes, yelling isolates a partner from friends and family, which is abusive.

Not all yelling is abusive. In some cases, yelling is an expression of frustration or anger, not intended to hurt the other person. The person yelling is hurting inside and doesn’t know how else to express themselves.

Even if the yelling in your relationship is not abusive, it still hurts the relationship. Especially if yelling becomes a pattern of behavior.

If you’re in a relationship with abusive yelling, seek professional help and escape the relationship. If your relationship struggles with yelling but not abuse, work together to find healthy means of communication and overcome the hurt feelings from yelling.

Psychological Effects of Yelling Partners

Being yelled at by a partner sometimes has long-term psychological effects, especially when it’s a pattern in a relationship. It leads to low self-esteem, anxiety, and future relationship issues.

Yelling is demeaning and hurtful, causing individuals to question their self-worth and value. It’s also common to have feelings of anxiety and nervousness. You may feel you’re in danger or under attack, fearful of the next time your partner yells.

According to Dr. Jim Hutt, a marriage and family therapist, “When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear. It (the brain) immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode — how much depends on the amount of perceived threat. The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode). Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.”

Repeated yelling over time causes a partner to withdraw emotionally and damages the intimacy of a relationship. Once it gets to this point, it’s usually irreparable.

If you’re psychologically affected by someone yelling at you, seek professional help to overcome your trauma and hurt. Focus on your well-being and learn to be happy in your own head again.

Future Relationships

If a partner has yelled at you or verbally abused you, you may struggle to trust future partners. You put your guard up and become less willing to open up. You question the motives and intentions of future partners.

It’s common to struggle with healthy communication in future relationships after dating someone who yells a lot. Perhaps you avoid conflict, withdraw emotionally, or struggle to express your feelings. Some people even pick up this bad habit and yell in future relationships.

If you’ve experienced yelling in past relationships, seek help from a professional to address these issues and form good communication habits. Don’t start another relationship until you’re ready to open up and effectively communicate.

Participate in therapy sessions and support groups to heal from your past and develop healthy communication mechanisms. With the right support and tools, break free from the cycle of abusive or toxic relationships. Build healthy and loving relationships in your future.

PTSD

Yelling in a relationship is triggering for someone who experienced this in the past, especially in childhood. If you feel triggered by yelling and a partner yells at you, you may experience physical symptoms such as increased heart rate and sweating. You likely feel scared and upset by someone yelling.

Someone triggered by yelling quickly shuts down emotionally or withdraws from a conversation after yelling begins.

Sometimes, being repeatedly yelled at by a partner results in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This causes flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance for a time, even after a breakup. Seek professional help if you struggle with PTSD from abusive relationships.

Resolution

If you’ve yelled at your partner, recognize that this is unhealthy communication that must change. Humans are bound to make mistakes, but how you handle these mistakes is crucial.

Approach your partner and apologize for yelling at them. Be sincere and thoughtful in your words. Let them know you didn’t intend to hurt them. Mention why you resorted to yelling as a means to feel heard or due to discussion of a sensitive topic. Offer comfort and an opportunity for them to share how they feel.

Explain your plan to stop yelling at your partner. Let them know you’ve identified this as an issue needing resolution and plan to work on it. Be careful not to make absolute promises that you can’t keep. This further breaks the trust of a relationship.

Addressing Your Partner

A partner yelling at you during conflict is unhealthy and violent communication. Address this issue to highlight the damage that yelling causes in a relationship and to the individuals involved.

When both partners have a stable mood and there’s no pending disagreement, bring up the subject with your boo. Do so in a neutral setting with some privacy. Let them know you care deeply for them and want to improve your relationship.

Be careful in your wording and approach to your partner. Don’t ambush them or make them feel too bad. Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I feel hurt and disrespected when you yell at me.”

Provide specific examples of times they yelled at you and ask them to share what triggered them to yell. Allow your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Understand their perspective and actively listen when they talk.

Work together to find solutions to overcome the yelling. Learn new communication skills. Manage feelings of anger through healthier outlets. Set boundaries about yelling. Be patient with one another. Consider seeking professional help to identify underlying issues and establish healthier habits.

Check-in with your partner to see how they’re doing with the issue. See if there’s any progress in reducing their yelling.

Remember it’s never your fault for someone to yell at you. Although, it’s helpful to understand what triggers your partner and work on reducing this aspect of your relationship. For example, if your partner yells at you for looking at your phone during arguments, stay off your device. Sure, they shouldn’t be yelling at you, but work together to resolve the issue and protect the feelings of both people.

Stop Yelling

Yelling in any capacity is damaging to a relationship and the individuals involved. If you or your partner yell at one another, stop communicating violently and learn to express yourself properly.

Whether just one person yells or both, recognize that it’s an issue in your relationship that needs to change. Stopping yelling is possible, but it requires conscious effort and patience.

Pay attention to what triggers yelling in your relationship. Are there certain emotions that cause yelling? Is there a sensitive subject that consistently leads to yelling? Once you identify the triggers, work on addressing and overcoming them.

Take a break from the argument when you feel the conversation escalating. Go for a walk or read a book. Take a shower or get a coffee. Do deep breathing exercises or engage in another activity that calms you down.

Seek professional help if yelling continues to be a problem in your relationship. Therapists and counselors lead you to resolve underlying issues and establish healthier communication patterns.

Resolving Together

You and your partner must commit to overcoming your communication issues together to find success. The process of healing from this aggressive communication and rebuilding trust takes time.

After yelling, acknowledge the impact of your behavior. Take responsibility for your actions and offer a sincere apology to your partner. Commit to improving your communication in the future, and mean it.

Take the time to listen to each other’s perspectives. Learn about active listening and incorporate this into your communication. Avoid acting defensive or confrontational when your partner opens up to you.

Set clear boundaries with your partner, and find new ways to communicate. Although humans are bound to make mistakes, including yelling at their boo, it’s vital that you also make an effort to do better in the future.

Tips for Healthier Communication

Yelling is never a good way to communicate. Find healthier ways to communicate and remain patient while improving your relationship over time. With consistent effort from both people, build stronger trust in your relationship. If your relationship struggles with yelling or other forms of unhealthy communication, follow some of these tips to adopt healthier communication tactics.

Active Listening

Listening attentively to your partner is just as important as expressing yourself. Listen carefully to them when they speak without interrupting. Don’t think of what to say next, but focus on the words they’re expressing. Stay open-minded to their perspective and absorb everything they say.

Repeating your takeaway after they’re finished talking is an effective way to ensure you understand their message. If you need more time to think of your own response, let them know you need a moment.

Active listening lets partners feel heard. Yelling often occurs when someone feels unheard, so practicing thorough listening skills is vital in overcoming yelling patterns.

Speak Your Truth

Remain honest and authentic when communicating with your partner. Speak your truth and clearly express your thoughts.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings rather than “you” statements. Say, “I feel [insert feeling] when [insert action that hurts you]” to create a non-accusatory statement of how you feel. This prevents hurting your partner’s feelings and helps to keep the conversation from escalating.

Set Boundaries for Arguments

Every couple faces arguments sometimes. Facing turmoil is normal, but how you handle these disagreements determines the course and comfort of your relationship. At a time when there’s no negative emotional charge, set ground rules and boundaries with your partner for when arguments arise.

For example, tell your partner that you don’t tolerate yelling. Suggest you take a break from the conversation when things escalate. Agree that you won’t bring up certain sensitive subjects whenever you disagree. Tailor your boundaries and rules specific to your relationship dynamic.

According to licensed counselor Katy Kandaris, “Disagreements happen. That’s ok and can even be healthy. Both people in a relationship are allowed to feel strongly about different perspectives. However, the issues begin when disagreements are not sorted out in a healthy way. In order for arguments to be most effective, everyone involved needs to be on the same page in regard to the ‘rules’ and end goals.

“We know we yell because we need to feel some sort of control, even if that just means feeling heard. There are ways to get your point across without resorting to shouting at your spouse or partner, however. Yes, there are even correct ways to argue.”

Take a Break

If you or your partner see the conversation getting heated, notice when it’s time to take a break. Allow yourselves time to settle your emotions and organize your thoughts. Come back together to speak effectively when both people have calmed down.

Show Empathy

Yelling usually occurs when someone feels unheard or invalidated. Practice empathy with your partner and attempt to see the situation from their perspective.

They likely aren’t yelling to hurt you but rather because they struggle to express themselves. Find compassion for your partner’s struggle and show empathy when possible.

Compromise

Finding a middle ground that works for both parties is the key to overcoming disagreements with a partner. Remain respectful in your language and train of thought. Consider an outcome that pleases both people as much as possible.

Be Heard Through Words, Not Volume

Yelling in relationships profoundly impacts both partners, causing emotional distress, damaging trust, and leading to long-term psychological effects. If you’re struggling with yelling in your relationship, remember that you’re not alone and there are steps to overcome this issue. Whether you work on this issue independently through self-help resources or therapy, prioritize healthy communication in your relationship.

Practice active listening, express yourself calmly and constructively, and be willing to compromise and work through conflicts together. Build a stronger, healthier relationship where yelling is nonexistent and love can flourish.

Published on Cupid’s Light April 11, 2023